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Catholic Priest’s Highly Acclaimed Book Offers Tips to Resolve Marital Conflicts the African Way

Fr. Melchior Marandu. Credit: Paulines Publications Africa

One of the takeaways from reading “Becoming One Flesh: Theology of Marriage, in African Perspective” by Fr. Melchior Marandu is the richness of African traditions in resolving marital conflicts.

The book, published at the beginning of this month by the Paulines Publications Africa, makes it clear that forgiveness is imperative for the survival of marital communion.

Fr. Marandu’s interactions with people in unhealthy marriages informed the writing of the book that explores ways in which traditional African couples handled disagreements in marriages, away from the children.

The Tanzanian Jesuit Priest shows that the discreetness with which conflicts between a man and his wife were handled in traditional African setting saved the children a lot of trauma, unlike today where he argues that children are witnessing fights between their parents.

Strategies were many. 

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Fr. Melchior Marandu. Credit: Paulines Publications Africa

In one, parents would wait until they were alone, probably at a time when the children were in school. Fr. Marandu narrates in chapter eight of his book that a man, knowing that he was in conflict with his wife would bring home two pieces of meat when children were away.

“In some cases, a man buys two portions of meat, a big one for the big family and a small one for the couple. The portion of meat for the couple is well selected for fast cooking such as the liver. Only after eating would a man let the wife know that he was not happy with a certain behaviour or event in the family,” Fr. Marandu writes, adding that in the midst of the joyous mood, the wife would apologize with words such as “Yes, Dad, I have heard; forgive me, I will not repeat it.”

Fr. Marandu argues that the rare use of the term “Dad” carried a powerful psychosocial effect, challenging the husband to recognize his role in keeping his family united.

Husbands who had rubbed their wives the wrong way would bring them gifts such as “kitenge” for dressmaking. Wives, on the other hand would appease their husbands through simple gestures such as brushing their shoes.

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This way, serious issues could be resolved in what Fr. Marandu describes as “a simple but solemn manner.”

In most cases, differences were resolved by spouses themselves, the Priest says.

Fr. Marandu says that in some African cultures, certain objects and gestures have been traditionally accepted for reconciliation. He gives the example of a certain tree whose leaf, when presented by a wife in a certain African community, the husband cannot withhold forgiveness.

“Alternatively, if the couple had a young baby, the wife may kneel down presenting the baby to the husband. Again, the husband is bound to accept her goodwill and forgive her,” he says.

Fr. Marandu has given many other tips to husbands and wives who approached him in counselling, seeking to mend their broken relationships with their spouses. 

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Some are simple gestures such as washing each other’s hands. A couple that went back to Fr. Marandu to testify about their reconciliation narrated that as they cleaned each other’s hands, they said, “We are staring anew chapter of life, and the past is cleansed.”

Although loaded with invaluable lessons that are told with a generous amount of humor and anecdotes, the chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation is just a small section of what Fr. Marandu has to say about marriage in an African perspective.

In the other nine chapters, the 207-page book which has been acclaimed as an invaluable resource material on marriage and family explores “the mystery of husband and wife becoming one flesh”, the sacramental nature of marriage, and the purpose of marriage. It also highlights the essential qualities of marriage, namely, unity and indissolubility. The author also examines the impediments in marriage, gender issues in marriage, parenting as well as the distinctive features of traditional marriage.

In the chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation in particular, Fr. Marandu underlines the importance of forgiveness in marriage, noting that husband and wife stand in constant need of mutual forgiveness.

“The cross of Christ becomes more real in strained marital relationships. But this is the very moment wife and husband need to make present the unconditional self-sacrifice of Christ on the cross in their marriage,” Fr. Marandu says.

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He adds, “Marriage is not just an image of Christ’s sacrificial love, but a daily enactment of that love…Husbands and wives are not angels but fragile humans with limitations. Their very strength flows from the love of Christ.”

The Tanzanian researcher presents several thought-provoking dynamics of forgiveness in marriage, arguing that “forgiveness is not a feeling” and “forgiveness is more an act of the mind first, and then an act of mind and will.”

According to Fr. Marandu, a healthy marriage is built on a strong bond of love and forgiveness.

In exploring the African traditional ways of forgiveness and reconciliation in marriage, Fr. Marandu believes that cultural symbols can be highly instrumental for reconciliation between spouses. 

He says, “The ongoing cultural dialogues between Christianity and cultures needs to unveil the richness already available in various cultures; it has to touch every moment of our faith experience, leading spouses to total surrender to God.”

Fr. Marandu’s latest publication is a resource book on marriage and family which draws from the Bible, African traditions, sociology, psychology, the Church’s teaching, and the Canon law on marriage.

The book is a result of the Priest’s vast experience in academic, pastoral, counselling, and spiritual ministries. The widely published Priest has worked at Hekima University College as an administrator and lecturer.

Some of his books are Ignatian Discernment: An African Perspective; Challenges in Prayer, Theology of Suffering: A Quest for Meaning; Kiswahili Catechism Religious Instruction as well as the English Catechism Religious Instruction, Combined Kiswahili-English Catechism.

Fr. Marandu is also the author of Challenges in Spiritual Direction: An African Perspective; The Power of Love: Parenting Journey, A Family Resource Guide; and Ignatian Spirituality: A Pathway to Holiness for Everyone.

In a Facebook post, Paulines Publications Africa said Fr. Marandu's extensive background in academic, pastoral, and counseling ministries enriches the content of the book “, making it both informative and practically applicable. 

“The book is not only a theological exploration but also a pastoral resource filled with valuable insights for those navigating the challenges of marriage,” the publisher says, adding that Fr. Marandu’s work has been well-received, noted for its clarity and sensitivity.

Fr. Marandu told ACI Africa that he wrote the book to bring to the fore the challenges that the family is facing.

“Needless to say, this book serves to uncover weak points which lead to break down of marriages. It also serves as a guide in traditional and existential models of forgiveness and reconciliation,” Fr. Marandu said in the January 15 interview with ACI Africa.

“Marriage, a vocation intended by God to form a community of love, a family, is experiencing many challenges such as violence, conflicts, infidelities, broken marriages, killing of a life partner and children, suicide, injustices,” the Priest said.

He added, “Marriage and family life needs support, advocacy and education. We cannot sit down and watch the institution where life begins, is nurtured, and raised to glory under attack. Family life is a gift from God to be protected and cared for.”

The Jesuit Priest also wrote the book to contribute to the training of future Church ministers and ministers of marriage. “That is why I included the topics taught at theology level on Christian marriage according to Cannon Law,” he explained to ACI Africa. 

“Again, I wanted to expose the truth about marriage that it is holy in itself and by itself,” Fr. Marandu said, and explained that marriage is not a plan B in God's good creation. 

“God does not have plan A and B because God knows and sees all reality from all eternity. Right from the beginning God intended marriage between man and woman. Gender differentiation was not accidental or additional but intended for complementarity and fulfilment of God's design in the establishment of a community of love, family,” he said.

The other important point that Fr. Marandu explores in his book is the fact that unity and indissolubility (not separation or annulment) of a valid marriage is intrinsic in the nature of marital love which the Priest says “is indivisible and innate.”

“Indeed, it is my intention that couples allow steady growth in becoming one flesh for it is a life time process of life-love partnership and sharing with mutuality and reciprocity,” he said.

“Becoming one Flesh” has been praised by various Church leaders and scholars, Bishop Rodgrigo Mejia Saldarriaga who retired from the pastoral care of Soddo Apostolic Vicariate in January 2014. The Bishop describes the book as timely and a follow up to the request of Pope Francis in his Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia when the Holy Father refers to the complexity and variety of cultural situations in which marriages take place.  Pope Francis says, “Each country or region, moreover, can seek solutions better suited to its culture and sensitive to its traditions and local needs.”

Also lauding Fr. Marandu’s newest publication is Fr. Fratern Masawe, the Jesuits’ Regional Assistant for Africa who notes that the book “comprises both love seeking understanding and understanding seeking love”. 

“The book is an excellent resource for theology students, pastoral agents, and families,” Fr. Masawe says, and adds, “The expectation is that marriage would indeed become a free well-informed choice with consequences.”

Agnes Aineah is a Kenyan journalist with a background in digital and newspaper reporting. She holds a Master of Arts in Digital Journalism from the Aga Khan University, Graduate School of Media and Communications and a Bachelor's Degree in Linguistics, Media and Communications from Kenya's Moi University. Agnes currently serves as a journalist for ACI Africa.